Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
