Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
