I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You work out of a Hotel?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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