Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
