My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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