I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
