She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
