I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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