DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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