I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
