I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
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I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize