Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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