I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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