I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
