I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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