I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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