..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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