at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I deserve this hangover.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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