Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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