Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize