It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
