My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
