i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We are all done wearing pants today
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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