just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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