ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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