i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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