Just fell off a train. Bad.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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