Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
