Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
