You just made me feel so damn special
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
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I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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