somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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