I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
