Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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