I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
