It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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