I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am one with the molecules
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
