My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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