So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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