Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
