Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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