I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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