bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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