why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home