Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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