No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
