I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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