i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
