Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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