my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
