I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
