I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
