I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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