worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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