so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
