Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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