is your mom at the bar?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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