I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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