the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just gargled with NyQuil
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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