Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
