I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
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Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
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I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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