my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
