if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
